7/31/11
9/27
It's been so long since I've written anything to update this journey I'm on. I'm not sure where to begin.
I'm still running/jogging/walking every day, Mon-Fri. Right now, I'm going about 3-3.5 miles a day. Sometimes more. The other day I managed to find the energy for a class + 4.5 miles. I'm not sure where all that came from, but I was exhausted the next day.
My doctor is now aware that I'm exercising. He was pleased. Yes, I know that I should have talked to him about it first, but I figured since he was the one encouraging me to exercise when I saw him in February, that when I really started exercising in March or April, that he wouldn't mind and would have cleared me. He was pleased with my progress and to hear that I was working out with someone and not alone. More to the point, he was glad because my blood pressure is better than it's ever been and I've lost to date (as of Monday) 57 lbs! That's according to his records. I however, remember being heavier than what he's got in his records.
I've started going to class with Cody (our trainer at work) everyday that he's there - including the boot camp/advanced class. That class kicks my tail, but as much as I'm cursing and insulting Cody under my breath through it and hating him with every strand in my body, I know that it's good for me. I always feel it the next day. This last week, I'm not sure what we did, but it hurt for me even to stand on my tip toes because my calves and quads hurt so much. I hate it when I'm doing it, but I also love it. I know, it sounds crazy, but that's the truth.
As I'm losing weight, I'm figuring out just what's underneath all of this weight I've been carrying around all these years. I'm getting really excited to find out what's been under all these layers of fat all this time.
10/8
MAY-JOR milestone yesterday. I actually ran/jogged/whatever 5 miles. It took me 65 minutes, but I did it. I didn't know I had it in me. I am so incredibly proud of myself. AND I wasn't tired. You'd think I would be, but no. Not really. Even today, I'm not as sore as I thought I'd be. AND yesterday even after the 65 minutes, I felt like I could run some more, but I needed to go. I had somewhere to be and was out of time.
This is crazy. I guess it's true. You do what's required; then what's possible; before you know it, you're doing the impossible. No, not my quote. That's from St. Francis of Assisi. I'm sure that's not exactly right - the quote or the spelling, but you get the idea. I think back a year and where I was last October. I was struggling to walk a mile and here I am a year later and I'm not just walking, but running/jogging a mile. It baffles my mind. Seriously.
I've never been an athlete. Never. I was always the clumsy, fat girl. To see myself changing as I am is mind boggling for me. I never thought it would be possible that I could run 5 miles. Granted they were elliptical miles which aren’t' the same as running them on an open trail, but still... that's FIVE MILES and it was 65 steady minutes of vigorous physical activity. Something I never thought I would be able to do. I never thought I would be able to consider myself a runner and yet, here I am. Running. Or jogging. Whatever you'd like to call it.
When Cody told me he'd like to see me in the half marathon last year right after I finished the 5k, I told him he was crazy. Seriously, I thought he was insane. He had much more faith in me than I had in myself. He probably still has more faith in me than I have in myself, but I'm glad he does because it's his faith in me that keeps me going sometimes. Yes, I realize it's kind of his JOB, but I need him to do that sometimes. Getting back to my point, I'm beginning to see that in 6 months, yes, it's very possible that I might be able to run/walk the half marathon and FINISH. Again, it seems insane to me. Complete insanity, but I've already said I was going to try it, so I have to. If I really want to make myself, I could register now and seriously commit myself to doing it. However, I told myself that right now I would commit to train for it. In January or February, I'll make a final decision. Plus, my employer will pay for my registration - which is NOT cheap. It's something like $75. Yes, I'll let them pay for it.
The other thing that tells me I've turned a corner, I started scheduling things around my workout schedules. It isn’t even a question about whether or not I’m going to skip the class or my time to run/walk/workout. I just add that extra hour (and some days two) onto whatever time I get off work to put in my “sweat equity”. Like, when people ask me if I can do things in the evening, I know that the earliest I can be somewhere is no earlier than about 6:30 (maybe 5:30 or 6 if it’s a Monday or Friday and I don’t have a class). I’ve made it a priority.
The way I look at it is that yes, it’s selfish. However, I have to be selfish with my time when it comes to my well-being and my health. I have used and abused my body for the first 32 years I had it and now I’m trying to get it into the shape that it’s supposed to be for it to function properly. If it were someone who was sick or an alcoholic, you wouldn’t judge them or criticize them for going to the doctor or seeking treatment for what ails them. For me, this is my treatment and it’s up to me to make sure that it gets done. There aren’t a lot of people looking over my shoulder asking me why I wasn’t in the gym sweating it out. Well, maybe Cody, but anyone else wouldn’t pay it any attention if I skipped a day, a week or even a month. I, however, would know and would feel guilty because even if no one else is holding me accountable, I’m holding myself accountable.
There have been too many people along the way who have always told me I couldn't do something or expected me to fail. They don’t think I’m going to follow through with things. And it’s true. I’m horrible with follow through, but I’m working on that. I’m slowly but surely getting better at that. I’m realizing what I can accomplish and what I know I can do. I’m realizing my limits. Not that I can’t do whatever I put my mind to, but I also know what I can commit to doing – whether it’s going to take time, money or both and realizing that those are very precious things that I can’t waste. Maybe that’s just a part of growing up, but it’s what I’ve been learning most recently.
The other thing that tells me that I’ve changed, earlier today was the game I look forward to all year long – the OU-Texas game. I usually spend hours reading game analysis or reviews or previews online or watching video montages of previous games. Not only did I not do that this year, but even though I was excited about the OU/Texas game, I woke up more excited about the 5 miles I did yesterday on the elliptical than the game. If you would’ve told me last year or a few months ago even that I’d be more excited about that than the OU/Texas game, I would’ve told you that you were insane. However, it’s true. I thought more about getting closer to my next goal of a 12-minute mile than the OU/Texas game. Truly unimaginable a few months ago.
10/10
It’s rare that I have breakthroughs/insights 2 days in a row, but I do. Today’s insight? I got into jeans a former friend gave me that were THREE SIZES smaller than what I was wearing previously. Seriously. I was in the larger end of the “regular” plus sizes. I lost weight, but wasn’t quite into a smaller size yet last year when she gave them to me. They’re a bit of a squeeze, but I was able to get into them. I’m so proud of myself. I can’t wait until these are too big too.
Now comes the debate. Do I go ahead and get rid of my jeans that are too big now? I hate to get rid of clothes that I’ve barely worn.
If you think you're defeated, you are.
If you let something define you, it will define you as a person.
If you let something defeat you, it will defeat you.
It isn't just about weight loss. You have to let yourself think you're a thin person.
I have been fat all my life. As a kid, I was always the chubby one, or the big girl or the girl with the chipmunk cheeks. As a result, I had the mindset of a fat person. I didn't think of myself as just a person, I was a fat person. I had it in my head that I was a fat person and nothing else. No matter what I did or said, I was fat. Which was true, I was fat. However, did I have to be a fat music lover or a fat shopper or a fat Indian? Just because I was fat, it didn't have to hold me back from the things I wanted to do or let it define who I was as a person. It was a characteristic of me just like my brown hair or brown eyes or small hands. It wasn't me.
I was letting my fat define and defeat me. When I realized I didn't have to have that identifier as "the fat girl", the feelings of insecurity and defeat disappeared -- well, not completely, but they were so much better than what they had been. It took me 33 years, but I feel like I finally realized that I'm not just the fat girl. I'm Kelli. I have a name. I have feelings. I have thoughts, desires, passions - 99.5% of those that have absolutely nothing to do with food or eating.
You have to change your entire way of thinking. You can't just let yourself as the fat person. You really have to figure out who you are and what you love or what you're living for. Are you living for your next meal or are you living with purpose? What is your reason for living your life the way you do?
If you don't know or don't have an answer, don't worry. You don't have to know. I didn't know for a long time.
It almost feels like when it's cold in the winter and you have 15 layers of clothing on and all of a sudden, you take them off and not only can you move, but you feel things again. Which is a good and bad thing because you feel the good and the bad. So be prepared. It's a physical and emotional feeling. I'm still getting used to it myself. Once those fat goggles are off, the world is a different place.
For a long time, I always just felt like the fat girl in the room - and I probably was. I still am, but in my mind (at least now anyway), I'm the thin girl or even just the girl. The girl who started running and exercising.
I'm a slow runner, but I'm a runner. I don't have to be the fat runner, because if I keep running, I'm not always going to be the fat runner. Hopefully soon, I'll be the thin runner -- Oh, how I cannot wait for that day! I've actually come to love running. That sounds absurd even to me, but believe me, it's an addiction. On the days when I don't run or don't get up and move or do something, I can definitely tell a difference in the way I feel emotionally and physically.
I used to be embarassed to go to the gym because everyone in there was thin. But do you know how they got to be thin? They exercised. They were active. And not only that, they're not really paying attention to you anyway. If they look at you, so what?? You're not there for them anyway. You're there for yourself. You go and do what you can. If you can walk for 5 minutes, walk for 5 minutes. Do what you can. Babies aren't born knowing how to walk. They learn. They start learning how to hold up their heads. Then, they sit up. Then they crawl. Then walking and finally running. It's a building process. So is this journey into exercise.
You have to want to do this for yourself regardless of what others think or tell you. If someone tells you that you can't and you beleive them, then you can't. You allowed them to have control and you can't let them have control. You have to be in control of yourself and your mind. When I decided that I was going to do this, I didn't let much of anything hold me back.
Set yourself goals and make a plan to get to those goals. When you get to your goals, give yourself a small reward. This last week, I got a reward. I got myself a "Congratulations! You can consistently run a 15 minute mile" backpack to carry my gym stuff in. It's pretty and pink! It isn't necessarily about the reward, but the goal. Don't get me wrong, I love the reward, but it's more about reaching the goal.
Not that I have already reached [the goal] or am already fully mature, but I make every effort to take hold of it because I also have been taken hold of by Christ Jesus. Brothers, I do not consider myself to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead, I pursue as my goal the prize promised by God's heavenly call in Christ Jesus. -- Philippians 3:12-14 HCSB
In the words of Nike, JUST DO IT.
(P.S. I told you I'm a slow runner. 15 minutes might sound fast to some, but in the world of marathon runners, it's slow and I eventually want to run a marathon. I'm not sure when, but I want to run a marathon. Maybe 2 years? 2013?? We'll see.)
9/27
It's been so long since I've written anything to update this journey I'm on. I'm not sure where to begin.
I'm still running/jogging/walking every day, Mon-Fri. Right now, I'm going about 3-3.5 miles a day. Sometimes more. The other day I managed to find the energy for a class + 4.5 miles. I'm not sure where all that came from, but I was exhausted the next day.
My doctor is now aware that I'm exercising. He was pleased. Yes, I know that I should have talked to him about it first, but I figured since he was the one encouraging me to exercise when I saw him in February, that when I really started exercising in March or April, that he wouldn't mind and would have cleared me. He was pleased with my progress and to hear that I was working out with someone and not alone. More to the point, he was glad because my blood pressure is better than it's ever been and I've lost to date (as of Monday) 57 lbs! That's according to his records. I however, remember being heavier than what he's got in his records.
I've started going to class with Cody (our trainer at work) everyday that he's there - including the boot camp/advanced class. That class kicks my tail, but as much as I'm cursing and insulting Cody under my breath through it and hating him with every strand in my body, I know that it's good for me. I always feel it the next day. This last week, I'm not sure what we did, but it hurt for me even to stand on my tip toes because my calves and quads hurt so much. I hate it when I'm doing it, but I also love it. I know, it sounds crazy, but that's the truth.
As I'm losing weight, I'm figuring out just what's underneath all of this weight I've been carrying around all these years. I'm getting really excited to find out what's been under all these layers of fat all this time.
10/8
MAY-JOR milestone yesterday. I actually ran/jogged/whatever 5 miles. It took me 65 minutes, but I did it. I didn't know I had it in me. I am so incredibly proud of myself. AND I wasn't tired. You'd think I would be, but no. Not really. Even today, I'm not as sore as I thought I'd be. AND yesterday even after the 65 minutes, I felt like I could run some more, but I needed to go. I had somewhere to be and was out of time.
This is crazy. I guess it's true. You do what's required; then what's possible; before you know it, you're doing the impossible. No, not my quote. That's from St. Francis of Assisi. I'm sure that's not exactly right - the quote or the spelling, but you get the idea. I think back a year and where I was last October. I was struggling to walk a mile and here I am a year later and I'm not just walking, but running/jogging a mile. It baffles my mind. Seriously.
I've never been an athlete. Never. I was always the clumsy, fat girl. To see myself changing as I am is mind boggling for me. I never thought it would be possible that I could run 5 miles. Granted they were elliptical miles which aren’t' the same as running them on an open trail, but still... that's FIVE MILES and it was 65 steady minutes of vigorous physical activity. Something I never thought I would be able to do. I never thought I would be able to consider myself a runner and yet, here I am. Running. Or jogging. Whatever you'd like to call it.
When Cody told me he'd like to see me in the half marathon last year right after I finished the 5k, I told him he was crazy. Seriously, I thought he was insane. He had much more faith in me than I had in myself. He probably still has more faith in me than I have in myself, but I'm glad he does because it's his faith in me that keeps me going sometimes. Yes, I realize it's kind of his JOB, but I need him to do that sometimes. Getting back to my point, I'm beginning to see that in 6 months, yes, it's very possible that I might be able to run/walk the half marathon and FINISH. Again, it seems insane to me. Complete insanity, but I've already said I was going to try it, so I have to. If I really want to make myself, I could register now and seriously commit myself to doing it. However, I told myself that right now I would commit to train for it. In January or February, I'll make a final decision. Plus, my employer will pay for my registration - which is NOT cheap. It's something like $75. Yes, I'll let them pay for it.
The other thing that tells me I've turned a corner, I started scheduling things around my workout schedules. It isn’t even a question about whether or not I’m going to skip the class or my time to run/walk/workout. I just add that extra hour (and some days two) onto whatever time I get off work to put in my “sweat equity”. Like, when people ask me if I can do things in the evening, I know that the earliest I can be somewhere is no earlier than about 6:30 (maybe 5:30 or 6 if it’s a Monday or Friday and I don’t have a class). I’ve made it a priority.
The way I look at it is that yes, it’s selfish. However, I have to be selfish with my time when it comes to my well-being and my health. I have used and abused my body for the first 32 years I had it and now I’m trying to get it into the shape that it’s supposed to be for it to function properly. If it were someone who was sick or an alcoholic, you wouldn’t judge them or criticize them for going to the doctor or seeking treatment for what ails them. For me, this is my treatment and it’s up to me to make sure that it gets done. There aren’t a lot of people looking over my shoulder asking me why I wasn’t in the gym sweating it out. Well, maybe Cody, but anyone else wouldn’t pay it any attention if I skipped a day, a week or even a month. I, however, would know and would feel guilty because even if no one else is holding me accountable, I’m holding myself accountable.
There have been too many people along the way who have always told me I couldn't do something or expected me to fail. They don’t think I’m going to follow through with things. And it’s true. I’m horrible with follow through, but I’m working on that. I’m slowly but surely getting better at that. I’m realizing what I can accomplish and what I know I can do. I’m realizing my limits. Not that I can’t do whatever I put my mind to, but I also know what I can commit to doing – whether it’s going to take time, money or both and realizing that those are very precious things that I can’t waste. Maybe that’s just a part of growing up, but it’s what I’ve been learning most recently.
The other thing that tells me that I’ve changed, earlier today was the game I look forward to all year long – the OU-Texas game. I usually spend hours reading game analysis or reviews or previews online or watching video montages of previous games. Not only did I not do that this year, but even though I was excited about the OU/Texas game, I woke up more excited about the 5 miles I did yesterday on the elliptical than the game. If you would’ve told me last year or a few months ago even that I’d be more excited about that than the OU/Texas game, I would’ve told you that you were insane. However, it’s true. I thought more about getting closer to my next goal of a 12-minute mile than the OU/Texas game. Truly unimaginable a few months ago.
10/10
It’s rare that I have breakthroughs/insights 2 days in a row, but I do. Today’s insight? I got into jeans a former friend gave me that were THREE SIZES smaller than what I was wearing previously. Seriously. I was in the larger end of the “regular” plus sizes. I lost weight, but wasn’t quite into a smaller size yet last year when she gave them to me. They’re a bit of a squeeze, but I was able to get into them. I’m so proud of myself. I can’t wait until these are too big too.
Now comes the debate. Do I go ahead and get rid of my jeans that are too big now? I hate to get rid of clothes that I’ve barely worn.
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