weird dream

Writing this down before I forget. My really weird dreams I like to remember.

So dad and I were going to church for a funeral, but we were late for whatever reason. We got there right as everyone was leaving to go to the burial though, so we go with them to the graveside. As we're getting back in the car, Frank Kauahquo pulls in and was apparently supposed to be part of the service, so Emerson tells him "I left you a lapel mic and a jacket by the back door. I didn't know if you'd have one."  So Frank goes and gets it.

Well,  we're about to go get in our car and this guy comes out. He's about 5'10. Medium build. A bit scruffy, but dressed nicely enough for a funeral. He asks if we were there for the funeral and dad says yes. He's been to our church before. I remember seeing him, but I don't know him. So I asked him if he was going to the graveside and he says no, because he doesn't know where it is. I told him that we did and offered him directions and offered to let him  ride with us. He declines and instead offers to let us ride with him. Well, I didn't have the right clothes or something and needed my bag out of the trunk of our car, so I ask him if I can go get it and let him know we'll ride with him. 

As I'm getting my bag, another guy comes running across the street and asks if we were going to the burial. He's shorter, stocky, has glasses is slightly balding and wearing jeans and this red puffy coat that has black stripes down either side of it. Dad answers and says yes and offers to let him ride with us. Something tells me that he shouldn't have said that. One because I had a weird gut feeling about the second guy and two we were riding with someone else. Three, i got a feelnig that the guy we were riding with didn't like the second guy. However the first guy was nice enough to let him ride with him. 

So, we get in the car and being that we're riding with someone we don't know well, we're making small talk. I don't remember what we were talking about, but it was decent enough. The first guy was really nice, but the second guy was relatively quiet and didn't say much at all. Somehow in the small talk, it comes out that the first guy knows the second guy and they don't like each other. The second guy did wrong by the girl whose funeral we were apparently attending. The first guy had helped the girl get away from something the second guy did to her or a bad situation that he had put her in. They get in a bit of an argument (which I don't remember all of at all) and the first guy ends it by saying "It was $17 million. Dude, you don't mess up $17 million." 

So, we go to the graveside service which is apparently in Moore somewhere. i was getting ready on our way there, but it seemed to take a long time to get there from our church although, it should have only taken avout 15 minutes or so, it seemed to take an hour or so in my dream. It didn't seem to bother me though because i was finishing getting ready while we were on the way (fixing my clothes that were misbuttoned, putting on makeup, etc.).  Also, instead of going down I-35 since it was just east of First Baptist Moore where the burial was taking place, this guy takes 240 to I-44 and goes east on the street. Weird. Also, it's dusk and getting dark. Odd because I don't think I've ever been to a graveside service that was held at night or when it was dark. 

We finish with the burial and end up somehow at a motel. I guess they had some sort of reception or that was where they were having the meal afterward, I'm not sure .Well, it's sort of a fancy motel. Not super fancy, but nicer than a Best Western. A midgrade motel. We're standign out in the hall wiht some other people (I don't know them), but some how we've lost the second guy. Or rather, he isn't with us. I'm talking to the first guy (who's still nameless) and then realize dad's missing. As I'm looking for him, I realize that in the same hotel, they're filming an episde of Top Chef and it's their Restaurant Wars episode. I love this show -- (in my dream and IRL) and want to sneak a peak of what's going on, but there's this big bodyguard/security person outside the doors where they're filming, but there's a big window in the door, so I can kind of see what's going on inside. Well, I figured out that somehow DAD is in there. He's like eating and everything. I'm at the window trying to get his attention since he isn't supposed to be in there and we're supposed to be leaving, but he either doesn't see me or isn't paying attention. he finally leaves and when I ask him what he was doing in there, he says "Well, how was I supposed to know it was the wrong room? They were both serving food!" So I asked him if it seemed funny that it was a sit down dinner and that there were camera crews and that the food was so fancy for a post-funeral meal (that is usually pot luck). And he answers with "Well, I thought it seemed funny, but I thought it was just something different." 

Next thing I remember, the guy is inviting us over to his house to hang out or whatever. We decide to go over there, but drive our own car. He has a small modest house,but surprisingly comfortable. We go in and have a seat. There's a TV against the front window, a loveseat to the right of it and a small sofa in front of the TV that's across from the TV. There's also a small shelf that the TV sits on and a small shelf next to the loveseat. We're hanging out and before I realize it, I'm sitting relatively close to the guy and leaning against him. Not snuggling with necessarily, but I leaned my head into his arm. he gets a phone call and even though it isn't up loud, whoever is on the phone is loud enough i can hear her. She's yelling at him about where he's been and how come she couldn't find him and tells him she saw some girl (me) go into his house. I hear him explain that he was at a funeral and that I'm someone he knows from church and that my dad is there so it isn't like a date, but she keeps yelling at her and ends with "Whatever. I should come over now and get all my stuff." He sighs, looks at me and apologizes telling me that he's just broken up with someone recently and she's a bit dramatic. 

Sure enough, she shows up a bit later. She's this tall black girl. She's a big girl, but more thick than overweight. You can tell she got dressed up/made up to come over to his house as if it were some desperate attempt to win him back. So she's yelling at him and he's just kind of letting her yell. I can tell he's embarrassed and just wants her to get her things and get out. So, she's taking the most random stuff. A notebook, some mail, some movies, a few pictures off the wall (and not even framed pictures. Like actual pictures taped or tacked up to the wall) and an invitation that was tacked up near one of the pictures. When she goes to take the invitation, she yanks it off, looks at him and says "I can't believe i was going to take you to my grandmama's  party" and yells at him some more about it. She finishes gathering what she has there (which she decided to pile in my lap for some reason) and says "I should take that too" and points to this antenna type system attached to his TV. I can hear her muttering under her breath about how she should have never introduced him to her family and how her relative(s) were too nice to get him such a fancy Christmas gift. I start to hand her things to her and she leans down to me and is kind of in my face and starts going off on me. She said something along the lines of  how she's seen girls like me in here before and how he always goes for types like me and how it never works out and points out several of his faults. I listen to her, but don't really take what she's saying to heart. Dismissing most of it thinking that she's just a bitter ex-girlfriend. 

In the meantime, as she's yelling and gathering her stuff, all I can think about is how she would really look nicer if she'd worn something different. She had on this gold-ish velour shirt with these flowers and vines on it and it had matching hotpants or shorts. When she was bending over, I remember seeing on the back of her thigh, there was either a small tattoo or a bandaid covering the tatto and wondering if it was something she sat on that stuck or if she meant for it to be there. 

She is gone again and he apologizes again. We start watching tv or the movie whatever it was we were doing and we hear something outside. At his house, there's a bedroom next to the living room where we're sitting. It sounds like someone is either trying to open the window or cut through it to get in. He gets up to investigate and when he looks outside, it's the guy from before in his same red puffy coat. He's about to call the police when we hear a crashing sound and he goes into investigate and the guy is in his house. I can hear him talking to him saying "That's not cool, man. You don't just go crawling through someone's window" and the second guy is explaining to him how he knew that the first guy wouldn't talk to him or listen to him otherwise. The first guy answers and says "yeah, you're right, I wouldn't." I can hear them argue a bit, but don't remember exactly what it was about, but the second guy says "Well, I'm not going to leave until you listen to me."

Just as the other guy is saying this, the door opens and it's this woman with her daughter and a radio flyer wagon full of stuff. She looks at him, jingles a set of keys and says "I used my key. Hope you don't mind, but you've got to take her for a while. I can't take it anymore." He looks at me and explains that it's his niece and she and her mother (his older sister) have a bit of relationship problems. Just teenage stuff and when they can't take it anymore from each other, she comes over for a few days. They need the space and he helps her sort through the problems she has and then she goes home after a day or two. I don' t recognize the girl, but her mom I think works at Teleflora. Before I could ask her though, she was in and out and gone before I realized who she was. 

We're still sitting on the couch, somewhat snuggling. Well, we are at this point. I look up at him and realize he has the bluest eyes and they're really pretty. I remember thinking about how it was different to see a guy with brown hair and blue eyes. I remember he had on this yellow shirt about the same color as big bird and wondering what would possess someone to buy a yellow shirt. Dad had just left before all the drama started saying he was going to leave us alone for a while and that he would see me at home. He looks at me, and I ask him "Do you want me to leave so you can deal with all of this?" and he replies "Do you mind?" I told him I didn't. I knew what it was like to have a bunch of drama in your family. So he looks at me and says "Tomorrow?" and I start explaining to him that tomorrow was Wednesday and I had church that night and how he should be there too. So, we're trying to work out another day to get together. He walks me out to the porch. That's when we both realized that I had no way home because I'd ridden over there with dad and he had left already. That was when I woke up. 

I told you it was weird. That was just me sleeping. No ambien. Just sleeping really hard. 

Grandmothers

Grandmothers are a special thing. We all have one. Some of us are lucky enough to have two or more than two. They love and care for us so unlike our parents. They spoil us and pamper us and would give us the world without blinking an eyelash. 

Since I found out I have have this chronic disease that's making me sick, I've thought a lot about my grandmothers. I loved them both in very different ways. They were as different as night and day. I never doubted that they both loved me though. 

This is my grandma. She was my mother's mom. She is on the right. Mom is on the left and I'm in the blanket. She was the one I saw the most. She was so strong. She never backed down from anyone. I'm quite certain that's where I get my mouth from because she could make a grown man cry without ever saying a curse word or raising her voice. She was impassioned. She was also one of the most generous women I've ever known. She didn't have a lot, but she would give it away if someone else needed it more than she did. She never had much (or any money), but she always somehow found a way to buy us Christmas presents or buy us treats at the grocery store. She could be so kind. But she could also be the meanest woman on the planet on a turn of a dime if you messed with her kids or grandchildren. There are a lot of stories we could post in there Bottom line, she also stood up for her beliefs in what was right and wrong. She didn't have a fancy education or live in a grand house, but what she had was hers and she shared it with everyone. She raised 12 kids and that was all she ever wanted to do. According to my mom, she always said she wanted to have 12 babies - and she did. 

This is my dad's mother. My Mema. Obviously, dad was adopted. Obviously, I never remember her looking like this because this is her service picture from when she was in WWII. Still, wasn't she pretty? Mema was poor growing up, but somehow went to school and became a nurse anesthetist. She was in the first group of nurses they sent to New Zealand in WWII. She saw a lot of things that I'm sure she wished she could forget. She also was a hospital administrator and worked as a civilian nurse for years. She had high expectations for everyone. She did so many things with military precision and expected that of everyone else. I didn't know her nearly as well as my grandma, but I never doubted that she loved us. She always called to remind us to vote. She was a firm believer in the democratic system and a staunch Republican. I don't think she ever full forgave us all for being Democrats. She used to send us Christmas cards with the Bush family on them (both W and his father). She also was so smart and witty. When I had a question about something that was going on with me or I was sick, I would always call her because I knew she would tell  me what I needed to do to feel better. She knew all the old-fashioned ways to make you feel better. Things that modern medicine seems to forget sometimes. 

Since I found out I'm sick, I've missed both my grandmothers immensely. I know my grandma would hold me and comfort me and let me know how much she loved me and would tell me everything would be okay. And my mema... she would be right there with me talking to the doctors, explaining things to me and helping me with any kind of medical question I had. She would be there making sure that things were done the way they were supposed to be done and demanding the best for me. They would both yell at who needed scolding if it was needed, but I wouldn't lack for anything. 

My grandmothers were two very different people, but they both shaped me into who I am today. I loved them both in very different ways, but I miss them more than anyone else that's ever been in my life. A friend of mine just lost his grandmother and it reminded me of mine. They held very special places in my life. 

My  mom is a grandmother now and I see that same bond I had with my grandmother forming with Achena and my mom. I'm glad to see it there. Achena will hopefully forever remember his grandma the way I remember mine. With fondness, love and warm memories. 

An open letter to someone I once considered my former best friend.

I'm not sure if you realize that I once considered you my best friend. We were really close and I turned to you when I had problems. Big and small. You were my best source of advice because you were always open and honest with me and you were one of the few people who were unafraid or weren't intimidated to do so and I appreciated that.

Honestly, that was one of the reasons I went to you with my problems. You shoot from the hip and that's something I appreciate. I'd rather someone be honest with me and possibly hurt my feelings or make me see the things I didn't want to see than lie to my face or just say things that are going to make me feel better.

I don't think I ever hid my feelings for you. If you didn't see them, I think you would be blind to have not seen it. There were a lot of things I did for you or changed for you that I wouldn't have changed for other people. And yes, that is on me. You never asked me to change anything - something I appreciate. I tried to impress you, I think and I'm really not sure why. I doubt it would have made any difference had I succeeded.

Getting to the point, I really did consider you one of my best friends. When you started dating the woman who now is apparently your wife (thanks for inviting me to the wedding, btw) and our talks started getting further and further apart, I could see the end to our friendship starting. I had hoped not, but I was hoping. Not really that I wanted to date you at that point, because I didn't. I saw how you seemed to work and it didn't really work for me. I still liked you as a person and as my friend, but the desire to date you. Nope, it wasn't there so much anymore.

Other than the few minutes I saw you at Falls Creek, I think it's been almost a year since I talked to you. I mean really talked to you. I can't say that I don't miss our friendship. How could I not? We used to talk for hours on end about everything and nothing and you were always the one person I could count on to give me an honest answer. Sadly, I haven't had that since  you stopped talking to me. I miss that.

I don't expect to have the same friendship with you now that you're married. I respect marriage too much to try and be any part of that. And I know your wife has never liked me for whatever reason. I've always tried to be nice to her and tried to be respectful of your relationship with her. I tried to like her - heck, I invited her to a U2 concert. It might not seem like a lot to some people, but for me, it's THE WORLD. Well, okay, not the world, but it was a HUGE deal for me. Especially considering that they're my absolute, favorite band, EVER. That day is still one of the best ever moments in my life and I invited her to go with me. She flaked out on me for whatever reason, and that's okay, but it was a big thing for me.

I think the thing that hurt the most. What really shot a knife through my heart wasn't that you stopped talking to me. I do understand when you start dating someone, your friends kind of fall to the wayside. Especially if they're friends of the opposite sex. What hurt more was the way you talked to me. You kind of patronized me. I don't know if you meant for it to come across that way, but it did. The bit I talked to you at Falls Creek. The one time I've talked to you since. It's like you only talked to me because you felt like you had to. I don't want to be your obligation. If you feel like you have to talk to me, don't patronize me. Talk to me because you want to talk to me not because you feel like you have to. No one wants that. It's fake and no one likes a fake person. Again, that was one of the reasons I always liked you and liked being friends with you. You were always real with me.

Even more than that, what hurt was that you not only got engaged but married without telling me. That may have hurt even more than anything else. Since your wife has always disliked me, I didn't really expect to be invited to the wedding, but a phone call or text to tell me or an email or even a facebook post. S-O-M-E-T-H-I-N-G. But no. Nothing from you. No, I found out you got married from Bauer's wall post. That hurt. I thought I meant more than that to you, but apparently not. I guess you put me in my place there. Obviously, our friendship meant more to me than it meant to you and you were more significant to me than I was to you.  That may have been what hurt the most.

This feels like a break-up and in a way, I guess it is. I don't expect you to be friends with me. Not after finding out or figuring out how insignificant I am to you even if at one time you were quite a big part of my world. I don't really expect you to talk to me. I know your feelings will probably be hurt, and for that I'm sorry. I always thought that we could (and should) be honest with one another. Again, that was always one of the thing I liked about you. You were honest with me and this is me being honest with you. So, should you see this, and it's doubtful you will, I do apologize. Maybe it's too late to apologize. But even if you never see it, I feel much better having gotten it off my chest.

I don't know if you even realize, but I've had some rather serious things going on in my life too. Things that when I found out about them, the first thing I thought was "Wow. I'd really like to talk through this with (your name). He'll be able to help me through this. He always has." When I have a crisis or am struggling with something, you always gave me Godly wisdom and advice. You always pointed me in the right direction even if it was something I didn't really want to hear. With what I have going on now, I could really use a friend like that. Someone who I can lean on and depend on to listen to me, and you're not there. I don't even think you're available for that. I don't want to interfere with your marriage and I know your wife doesn't even like me talking to me. I don't know what happened to us and our friendship, but I miss it. I can only hope to find another person who will fill the space you once occupied in my life.

The 40 Runner’s Commandments

I saw this on I <3 to run on facebook and had to share. :)

The 40 Runner’s Commandments
by Joe Kelly

1. Don’t be a whiner. Nobody likes a whiner, not even other whiners.

2. Walking out the door is often the toughest part of a run.

3. Don’t make running your life. Make it part of your life.

4. Keep promises, especially ones made to yourself.

5. The faster you are the less you should talk about your times.

6. Keep a quarter in your pocket. One day you’ll need to call for a ride.

7. Don’t compare yourself to other runners.

8. All runners are equal, some are just faster than others.

9. Keep in mind that the later in the day it gets, the more likely it is that you won’t run.

10. For a change of pace, get driven out and then run back.

11. If it was easy, everybody would be a runner.

12. When standing in starting lines, remind yourself how fortunate you are to be there.

13. Getting out of shape is much easier than getting into shape.

14. A bad day of running still beats a good day at work.

15. Don’t talk about your running injuries. People don’t want to hear about your sore knee or black toe.

16. Don’t always run alone.

17. Don’t always run with people.

18. Approach running as if the quality of your life depended on it.

19. No matter how slow, your run is still faster than someone sitting on a couch.

20. Keep in mind that the harder you run during training, the luckier you’ll get during racing.

21. Races aren’t just for those who can run fast.

22. There are no shortcuts to running excellence.

23. The best runs sometimes come on days when you didn’t feel like running.

24. There is nothing boring about running. There are, however, boring people who run.

25. Distance running is like cod liver oil. At first it makes you feel awful, then it makes you feel better.

26. Never throw away the instructions to your running watch.

27. Don’t try to outrun dogs.

28. Don’t wait for perfect weather. If you do, you won’t run very often.

29. When tempted to stop being a runner, make a list of the reasons you started.

30. Without goals, training has no purpose.

31. Go for broke, but be prepared to be broken.

32. Spend more time running on the roads than sitting on the couch.

33. Make progress in your training, but progress at your own rate.

34. “Winning” means different things to different people.

35. Unless you make your living as a runner, don’t take running too seriously.

36. Never tell a runner that he or she doesn’t look good in tights.

37. Never confuse the Ben-Gay tube with the toothpaste tube.

38. Preventing running injuries is easier than curing them.

39. Running is simple. Don’t make it complicated.

40. Running is always enjoyable. Sometimes, though, the joy doesn’t come until the end of the run.

Diagnosis

Well, I have a diagnosis.

It isn't what I wanted. It isn't what the specialist wanted. Not good news.

I was hoping and praying that it would be something simple. Something we could treat easily. I had a feeling it wouldn't be that way, but I was hoping. The specialist ran some preliminary tests before my biopsy and it indicated one cause, but then my biopsy showed something different. Dr. Thompson (my specialist) doesn't sound like he's entirely ruled out the first cause, but the biopsy pretty much gives a grim picture for me. Not the news I wanted to hear.

I had my follow up with him on Wednesday. I haven't told a lot of people yet what's going on. I don't want the sympathy. I don't want people looking at me like a sick person and their nosey 50,000 questions I do not want to answer. I know I'm sick. I know I have serious issues going on. Believe me, I know. I now have 8 medications I take on a daily basis. Believe me, I have a constant reminder that I'm sick.

Dr. Thompson keeps trying to tell me what a normal life I can lead, but all I keep thinking about is how sick I am. I hate being sick. I hate that I have to stop and think about what I'm eating, what I'm drinking, how high my blood pressure is, if something is going to make my blood sugar spike. These are constant thoughts in my head. My anxiety is at an all time high. I meant to mention that to Dr. Thompson the other day because it's starting to affect my sleep and I never had trouble sleeping before.

I'm scared. I'm more scared than I've ever been. I hate this feeling like everything is out of my control. I hate not knowing any answers or even knowing what caused me to get sick. I think that's what bothers me the most.

I HAVE NO REASON OR CAUSE WHY I'M SICK.

Just that I'm sick. We can't figure out what's caused me to get sick. I don't know if it's hereditary because we have a high incidence of problems like this in my family. I don't know if it's an auto-immune disorder like Dr. Thompson suspects, but can't seem to find the cause.

I hate that I have to constantly think about if I'm going to be hot or cold or if I'm going to be able to eat or where I'm going to be able to eat things. I hate that I have to limit my potatoes because I love potatoes. I miss caffeine. I miss having a good salty snack.

I was angry with God for a while. I don't know why he caused me to get sick - because I do not want to be sick. I don't want to have to deal with all of this, but at the same time, I'm not ready to give up either. I feel like I have so much to give to life and so much to do in my life. It's just so frustrating. I guess I'm still kind of angry. Not just with God, but with my primary care physician for seeing the symptoms and allowing me to fall through the cracks and misdiagnose me until it was too late to do anything preventative. i had to get really sick before they would even refer me somewhere. That makes me angry.

I don't feel sick. I don't look sick. Most people would presume I am healthy to look at me because I'm not weak. I have a normal energy level. I'm not pale. I have all my hair. I don't have a physical handicap or anything external that would make me appear to be sick. I'm still able to go to work and live my normal, everyday life. I guess I should be thankful for that because someone as sick as I am should feel bad and not have energy, but I do.

I keep trying to remind myself that there's a reason God has put me on this path that I'm on. There's a reason he allowed me to get sick and allowed me to go through all of this. I'm trying to find that reason. I'm trying to understand. Maybe it isn't for me to understand or to know. Maybe it's just my job to trust in Him to provide and work things out. It's hard not to worry about it or be anxious though. My life is hanging in the balance here and what's scary is that things will get worse before they get better. They're going to get much worse before they get better. Maybe not. But I have a very long road ahead of me.

Diagnosis?

I still don't have a diagnosis as to what's causing my health problems. I had my biopsy done on Thursday. I'm feeling pretty good. I'm a little stiff and I woke up sore some this morning, but I also apparently slept on my stomach last night and I haven't done that since my biopsy last week. It hurt too much, so I must be feeling better.

The doctor cleared me for exercise, but no heavy lifting for a week. So, I've gone ahead and gone to class this week. Working out with Cody twice a day Monday and once yesterday. He wouldn't let me join his class at noon yesterday. I'm fairly sure he thinks I'm pushing myself too hard.

Health Issues

So, I mentioned something about this in my last post. I apparently am havin gsome health problems. I didn't realize it. I feel okay. I don't feel sick, but I apparently have something going on. I haven't mentioned anything specific to a lot of people yet. Really the only people who know are my immediate family and a few close friends.

Yes, I know I talk A LOT. I know it seems like I'm always asking for attention - what can I say? I'm the youngest. that's what we do. However, this was something I've kind of felt like keeping close to the heart this time.

It's been a lot for me to deal with. I pretty much had a full-on freak out in the specialist's office when I went to see him and he told me what was going on. If you haven't  picked up by now, I'm a fairly emotional person. I can cry at the drop of a hat. Sometimes it's there before I even realize it. Apparently, it's my coping tool.

I have to have some specialized testing done this week. A biopsy to be be specific. I'm nervous and scared and anxious. All the other biopsies I've had done on other parts of my body were all done in the doctor's office and were not on a major organ. It's a bit scary for me.

I'm scared. I'm scared they'll find out I have some kind of rare disease that's un-treatable. I'm afraid they're going to go in and find out that my kidneys are worse than expected or that they're going to have to keep me in the hospital. I'm afraid that they'll find something else wrong with me while I'm in there.

Yes, I relize it could be the opposite. They could actually find out what's going on and it could be easily treated.

I've been through so many changes in medication, diet and my lifestyle lately that things just feel like they're spinning out of control. I hate that. I am a creature of habit and I don't like changes to my schedule or expectations without some advance notice. It's just a lot to digest. A lot to take in.

It's rough having a doctor shoot straight with you and tell you that one of your organs is performs like it's 40 years older than you are. With our family history, it's very scary for me.

I think the worst part of it all is that feel sick. I don't feel bad. I feel  perfectly normal and healthy. I have plenty of energy. I worked out Monday, and did 2 workouts yesterday. There haven't been any changes in my appetite or bodily functions (that I've noticed) and I don't appear sick. However, according to the doctor, I'm pretty sick. That's what I don't understand. If I really am sick, wouldn't I feel sick? One would think so. It's hard to wrap your head around something when you can't see what the doctor sees or don't feel sick.