I'm not sure if you realize that I once considered you my best friend. We were really close and I turned to you when I had problems. Big and small. You were my best source of advice because you were always open and honest with me and you were one of the few people who were unafraid or weren't intimidated to do so and I appreciated that.
Honestly, that was one of the reasons I went to you with my problems. You shoot from the hip and that's something I appreciate. I'd rather someone be honest with me and possibly hurt my feelings or make me see the things I didn't want to see than lie to my face or just say things that are going to make me feel better.
I don't think I ever hid my feelings for you. If you didn't see them, I think you would be blind to have not seen it. There were a lot of things I did for you or changed for you that I wouldn't have changed for other people. And yes, that is on me. You never asked me to change anything - something I appreciate. I tried to impress you, I think and I'm really not sure why. I doubt it would have made any difference had I succeeded.
Getting to the point, I really did consider you one of my best friends. When you started dating the woman who now is apparently your wife (thanks for inviting me to the wedding, btw) and our talks started getting further and further apart, I could see the end to our friendship starting. I had hoped not, but I was hoping. Not really that I wanted to date you at that point, because I didn't. I saw how you seemed to work and it didn't really work for me. I still liked you as a person and as my friend, but the desire to date you. Nope, it wasn't there so much anymore.
Other than the few minutes I saw you at Falls Creek, I think it's been almost a year since I talked to you. I mean really talked to you. I can't say that I don't miss our friendship. How could I not? We used to talk for hours on end about everything and nothing and you were always the one person I could count on to give me an honest answer. Sadly, I haven't had that since you stopped talking to me. I miss that.
I don't expect to have the same friendship with you now that you're married. I respect marriage too much to try and be any part of that. And I know your wife has never liked me for whatever reason. I've always tried to be nice to her and tried to be respectful of your relationship with her. I tried to like her - heck, I invited her to a U2 concert. It might not seem like a lot to some people, but for me, it's THE WORLD. Well, okay, not the world, but it was a HUGE deal for me. Especially considering that they're my absolute, favorite band, EVER. That day is still one of the best ever moments in my life and I invited her to go with me. She flaked out on me for whatever reason, and that's okay, but it was a big thing for me.
I think the thing that hurt the most. What really shot a knife through my heart wasn't that you stopped talking to me. I do understand when you start dating someone, your friends kind of fall to the wayside. Especially if they're friends of the opposite sex. What hurt more was the way you talked to me. You kind of patronized me. I don't know if you meant for it to come across that way, but it did. The bit I talked to you at Falls Creek. The one time I've talked to you since. It's like you only talked to me because you felt like you had to. I don't want to be your obligation. If you feel like you have to talk to me, don't patronize me. Talk to me because you want to talk to me not because you feel like you have to. No one wants that. It's fake and no one likes a fake person. Again, that was one of the reasons I always liked you and liked being friends with you. You were always real with me.
Even more than that, what hurt was that you not only got engaged but married without telling me. That may have hurt even more than anything else. Since your wife has always disliked me, I didn't really expect to be invited to the wedding, but a phone call or text to tell me or an email or even a facebook post. S-O-M-E-T-H-I-N-G. But no. Nothing from you. No, I found out you got married from Bauer's wall post. That hurt. I thought I meant more than that to you, but apparently not. I guess you put me in my place there. Obviously, our friendship meant more to me than it meant to you and you were more significant to me than I was to you. That may have been what hurt the most.
This feels like a break-up and in a way, I guess it is. I don't expect you to be friends with me. Not after finding out or figuring out how insignificant I am to you even if at one time you were quite a big part of my world. I don't really expect you to talk to me. I know your feelings will probably be hurt, and for that I'm sorry. I always thought that we could (and should) be honest with one another. Again, that was always one of the thing I liked about you. You were honest with me and this is me being honest with you. So, should you see this, and it's doubtful you will, I do apologize. Maybe it's too late to apologize. But even if you never see it, I feel much better having gotten it off my chest.
I don't know if you even realize, but I've had some rather serious things going on in my life too. Things that when I found out about them, the first thing I thought was "Wow. I'd really like to talk through this with (your name). He'll be able to help me through this. He always has." When I have a crisis or am struggling with something, you always gave me Godly wisdom and advice. You always pointed me in the right direction even if it was something I didn't really want to hear. With what I have going on now, I could really use a friend like that. Someone who I can lean on and depend on to listen to me, and you're not there. I don't even think you're available for that. I don't want to interfere with your marriage and I know your wife doesn't even like me talking to me. I don't know what happened to us and our friendship, but I miss it. I can only hope to find another person who will fill the space you once occupied in my life.
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