Diagnosis

Well, I have a diagnosis.

It isn't what I wanted. It isn't what the specialist wanted. Not good news.

I was hoping and praying that it would be something simple. Something we could treat easily. I had a feeling it wouldn't be that way, but I was hoping. The specialist ran some preliminary tests before my biopsy and it indicated one cause, but then my biopsy showed something different. Dr. Thompson (my specialist) doesn't sound like he's entirely ruled out the first cause, but the biopsy pretty much gives a grim picture for me. Not the news I wanted to hear.

I had my follow up with him on Wednesday. I haven't told a lot of people yet what's going on. I don't want the sympathy. I don't want people looking at me like a sick person and their nosey 50,000 questions I do not want to answer. I know I'm sick. I know I have serious issues going on. Believe me, I know. I now have 8 medications I take on a daily basis. Believe me, I have a constant reminder that I'm sick.

Dr. Thompson keeps trying to tell me what a normal life I can lead, but all I keep thinking about is how sick I am. I hate being sick. I hate that I have to stop and think about what I'm eating, what I'm drinking, how high my blood pressure is, if something is going to make my blood sugar spike. These are constant thoughts in my head. My anxiety is at an all time high. I meant to mention that to Dr. Thompson the other day because it's starting to affect my sleep and I never had trouble sleeping before.

I'm scared. I'm more scared than I've ever been. I hate this feeling like everything is out of my control. I hate not knowing any answers or even knowing what caused me to get sick. I think that's what bothers me the most.

I HAVE NO REASON OR CAUSE WHY I'M SICK.

Just that I'm sick. We can't figure out what's caused me to get sick. I don't know if it's hereditary because we have a high incidence of problems like this in my family. I don't know if it's an auto-immune disorder like Dr. Thompson suspects, but can't seem to find the cause.

I hate that I have to constantly think about if I'm going to be hot or cold or if I'm going to be able to eat or where I'm going to be able to eat things. I hate that I have to limit my potatoes because I love potatoes. I miss caffeine. I miss having a good salty snack.

I was angry with God for a while. I don't know why he caused me to get sick - because I do not want to be sick. I don't want to have to deal with all of this, but at the same time, I'm not ready to give up either. I feel like I have so much to give to life and so much to do in my life. It's just so frustrating. I guess I'm still kind of angry. Not just with God, but with my primary care physician for seeing the symptoms and allowing me to fall through the cracks and misdiagnose me until it was too late to do anything preventative. i had to get really sick before they would even refer me somewhere. That makes me angry.

I don't feel sick. I don't look sick. Most people would presume I am healthy to look at me because I'm not weak. I have a normal energy level. I'm not pale. I have all my hair. I don't have a physical handicap or anything external that would make me appear to be sick. I'm still able to go to work and live my normal, everyday life. I guess I should be thankful for that because someone as sick as I am should feel bad and not have energy, but I do.

I keep trying to remind myself that there's a reason God has put me on this path that I'm on. There's a reason he allowed me to get sick and allowed me to go through all of this. I'm trying to find that reason. I'm trying to understand. Maybe it isn't for me to understand or to know. Maybe it's just my job to trust in Him to provide and work things out. It's hard not to worry about it or be anxious though. My life is hanging in the balance here and what's scary is that things will get worse before they get better. They're going to get much worse before they get better. Maybe not. But I have a very long road ahead of me.