Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had I gone to OU instead of choosing to go to a smaller college - NSU. With everything that happened while I was away at school and with everything that happened while I was at school, the bad choices I made... It just makes me wonder how things would be different now.
Would I be a college graduate? Would the outcomes of the decisions I made be different? Would I have chosen a different major? I certainly would have different friends from college - not that I'm in touch with any of them now. I've alienated all of them in one way or another. A fact I'm not particularly proud of, but it is the truth. I'm terrible at relationships. Something I'm trying to work on. It's hard work. Relationships, that is. Probably why I'm still single.
Getting to my point. I decided not to go to OU because I was accepted on a contingency basis. I would have to check-in with an academic adviser twice a week, was required to meet with a tutor at least once a week, had class attendance requirements and would have to maintain a higher GPA than was required by other students in my classes. The logical part of me knew it was for my own good. However, the rebellious 18 year old in me thought that was too much like high school and wondered why I should go to a college that was exactly like high school. (Which, it would have really been different, but I didn't see it that way at the time.)
Now that I'm old and would kind of like to get back into school - since I can see the benefits of finishing school, I can't really afford it and I have responsibilities. I also wonder if I would have started on the downward spiral I went down while I was away at school. I made a lot of bad decisions while I was at school because I didn't really have any support system. I wasn't active in a church. I had an uncle 30 minutes away, but I never talked to him or my cousins in Muskogee. Again, I had one set of friends the first semester that were great. Second semester was a different story. I think had my second semester been more like my first, I would have done a lot better at school. At least I had the desire to do better. I had an ambition to do better the second semester. But I had other things going on personally that I couldn't deal with along with school, but I knew that if I went home, I would have to actually face my problems and emotions. I wasn't ready to do that.
In their defense, the friends I had my first semester tried to talk to me about what was going on and tried to steer me in the right direction, but I didn't want anything to do with what they were telling me. I wanted to do what I wanted to do. Since I decided to make bad choices socially and emotionally and even some bad physical decisions, I pushed them away too. My other set of friends were just convenient. I had one friend that helped me some. He was there for me when I would let him. However, I was content to hide my pain in whatever weird relationship we had. I kind of wish I'd stayed in contact with him. He was a nice guy and was actually pretty good for me when I would let him close to me.
I wonder if I had stayed in Norman, gone to OU, been close to my family, close to my church family and my friends how different things would be. I know I would be forced to deal with my problems head on, but I think in the long run, that would have been better for me than for me to run from them like I did. It probably would have saved me a lot of money having to re-take all the classes I failed the second semester (and believe me, I failed a lot) because I would have had someone looking over my shoulder pushing me to do better than I was and I would have had someone there behind me that I needed.
I guess the only thing that I can really say is that hindsight is truly 20/20. It's easy for me to see my mistakes now and attempt to keep from repeating them. Which is why I try so hard at relationships now. It's hard for me to see where I'm actually trying at relationships, and where I'm just being needy.
I always joke around about being emotionally stunted or socially behind because I had to be the adult for a few years in my house during my late teens and early 20s because no one else would remember to pay the bills or rent or get groceries. They were too absorbed in their own addictions. It was a good thing and a bad thing. The good thing is that now when there's a problem with a bill, I know where to go and what to do. The bad part is that I feel perpetually about 25. Not that that's terrible, but I'm 33. When everyone else my age was going through things to grow up and be a mature adult, I was having to deal with so many other more important things. I feel stunted and have no idea where to go from here. I know I should be more mature than I am, but when I try to be mature, I end up feeling about 50. It seems like I have no emotional or maturity medium. Either I'm way older than I should be or I'm way younger. Day by day, I feel like sometimes I never know where I'm going to be.
I've been dealing with some fairly serious health issues over the last few weeks. Culminating in a lovely, minor medical procedure I have to have on Thursday - which, by the way, I'd appreciate your prayer, good vibes/thoughts, etc. on that day. I'm scared/nervous/anxious about that. I'm not sure if my bad choices earlier in life led to this or where this has come from, but I've been feeling more like an adult than I have in a long time. Having to think about health insurance, deductibles and making life choices... it all feels so real. So... grown up. It's kind of hard to put into words. It also makes me think about the choices I've made in life. Which is how I got to this in the first place tonight (or this morning as it may be).
I don't expect anyone to have answers. I'm sure these are all issues that are best explored with a trained counselor or therapist or someone else along those lines. As I've lost weight, I shared before how I'm having to deal with a lot of emotions that I had been hiding with food, low self-esteem and my fat mentality. The culmination of having to face my health issues and emotional issues that seem to be appearing with my weight loss is making me face a lot of things lately. I'm not sure what to think about that. Just taking things day by day by day and depending on God to see me through things. I mean, we're not all promised tomorrow, right?
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